House.

this is still not the real story of a real person on a real day.
i feel like that distinction has to be made. it keeps the walls where they need to be.

more gray today. it’s hard to imagine this is me. this body feels leased.

of course something new happened to something old and i’m on the hook for it. good enough timing, i guess. the familiar sound of a sudden expense.

coming out of a depressive spell usually isn’t the feeling of the sun coming out and warmth slowly caressing your skin. like a waking limb. it’s a lot more like someone else walks into your bedroom and calmly says “you're finished with that now. stand up, there’s work to be done.” no apology. no discussion. it’s time to get back to work.

manic spells are… yeah whatever you’re thinking of. louder. a little desperate. a guy furiously scribbling into a notebook, outlining ideas that will never come to exist, filling the margins with variations, edge cases, bonus tracks. an earthcrafter laying out infinite cities with drone billboards and floating pyramids. brilliant, complex, dormant, unused. the kind of shit that would be pretty neat! if he ever stuck with it.

coming out of that is more akin to (this is where i stopped myself before i really got ahead of myself. trust me, you don’t want to read that yet.)

they said they didn’t want me to move to the center of things, but their voice softened when i said i didn’t plan on it. i swear i find these people on accident. devotion has a sickening sweet smell to it. acolytes, man.

i guess i should explain what this is. i should also probably actually explain the book. it’s crazy. you can be so consistently busy, so constantly plugged in, yet get so little done. motion replaces progress. busy hands, empty pockets. projects remain unfinished, playing dead, partially because i decided i wanted another ten thousand dollar receipt instead. such an expensive way to avoid another half blank page. the world has enough screenplays anyway.

i actually don’t really want to explain what this is yet.

also, i’m not lost.

i’m moving toward something that only exists when i’m moving.
if i stop, it disappears.