Eve.

some drown while others die of thirst.
the distinction matters.

turns out the feds are brutalizing people and leaving them in the woods to die, when they aren’t leaving them in random parking lots, or gassing themselves? the burning end of an all but abandoned cigarette lightly singes the inner edges of my fingers. fuck. i put my phone back in my pocket and get back to work.

i waver in and out of having enough energy to still feel fear. i waver in and out of thinking that fear is just narcissistic paranoia. as if i'm that special. as if i can tell anyone that i’m terrified to go outside. that i’m scared to close my eyes for too long. that all of the joy i feel is just a compromise.

flame wars become self-aware. i don't have to argue with you, i just have to make sure you show everyone who you really are. eventually fatigue sets in, and the work is done for me. go figure, even that's automated now. no need to focus on making a point when the enemy hurts itself in confusion. and i tell myself i'm supposed to be better than this. pretentious bullshit. i put my phone back in my pocket and get back to work.

i'm getting the hang of things though. sort of like finding my footing in a room where the floor keeps shifting, or the moment when you realize treading water isn't very hard, you just tell yourself it is to deflect from the fact that you never go to a pool or the beach anyway. who cares. i'm here. i need to stop worrying so much.

it'll be negative eleven degrees when i wake up tomorrow. by the time i make it to work it'll be negative...twelve? by the time i get home it'll be (wow) negative six. i chose this? i chose this.

sorry. this one isn't that great. i can't really pin it down today, but i have to post something for the sake of the narrative. i can't just not follow through, not anymore.

next comes the space between.